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Lycandria's Journal: Entry - Hot Springs Aftermath

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(Lycandria Marilyn Ravenholdt)

I finally arrive back at the garrison, walking up the stairs to the main hall. I could hear my heartbeat echoing in the temples of my head. My breath was short and fading. I don't even remember hearing anything else, not even my footsteps. I couldn't think of anything other than what had happened with Doran and Rhiswyn.

My legs felt weak with each step, getting closer to my room. My eyes staring straight ahead, just focused on where I needed to go. The last thing I wanted was to see anyone's face around the corner. I couldn't handle it. I was just trying to keep my emotions under control. I needed to be alone.

I immediately lock the door to my room, quietly walking over to my desk and sitting on my stool. I just sat there. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to leap out of my body in every direction, but somehow even that wouldn't be enough for this. I slowly let out a few calming breaths, trying to be strong. I'm so tired of having to be strong.

I glance up and notice a few letters on the desk, one from Timory. After a few moments of hesitation, I finally break the seal. My hands were shaking and I could feel a chill of emotion, ready to overwhelm me. I wrestle the letter out of the envelope and unfold it.


There was this thing that happened with Curlaina, we need to talk. Don’t worry though, we’re fine, everything’s fine.

- Timory (and Curlaina)

I read over it again several times, as if the text was going to change. With such little to work with, and how it was written, it worried me that much more. Something must have been bad enough she couldn't tell me beforehand in person. Maybe I was reading too much into it, but I was already about to break.

I sit quietly, listening to all the ambient sounds of my room. Thoughts race and flood my mind. So many things going wrong all at once, but the most pressing thoughts were the events of tonight.

Nobody knew Baurus and I broke up. It was so behind the scenes. Things just weren't working out anymore. We were both going in different directions, and I felt lost and lonely. Still feel lost and lonely.

Of course, neither Doran or Rhiswyn knew I still had feelings for him. Heck, even I didn't realize how much Doran still meant to me until just recently. I did still care... alot. It was scaring me. I felt this silent rage, watching them in the water. I wanted to strangle her neck. I wanted to race down there and raise hell... but no one knew. I had to remain civil, as much as I wanted to completely lose it.

I finally glance around the room, as a numbness swept over my body. I was angry and hurt, and I didn't know what to do. I was scared of myself. I just wanted to scream.

Suddenly, I rake my hands across my desk and papers fly everywhere. I stand and throw anything near me, in whatever direction my anger chose. Mugs, books, dishes, candles, pens... anything. I let out a bellowing and painful scream, pounding the desk with my fist.

I then slump to the floor, holding my hand now bleeding at the knuckles. Hair in my face and breathing heavily, I transition into a heart-broken weep. My hands move from my bleeding hand to hold my head. I fall to my side beside the stool, staring across the wooden floor. Tears warm and falling to the floor below my cheek.

The next morning I woke up in the same spot of the floor, where I had apparently cried myself to sleep. I was not ready to face the day. I was not ready to face anything. If this is what it means to care or love someone, maybe I'm just not meant for it. I can't seem to keep a good thing, and certainly can't be happy and have the life I crave so desperately.

I just want to give up. I'm so tired of reaching and failing, over and over again. I can't keep doing this. I just want it to be over. I felt like my heart was growing cold, much like in my late teens. I wanted to turn it all off. Everything.